The Balance

So here I am looking forwards to a work trial tomorrow, A massive step after a tumultuous couple of years. The thought of meeting new people is at once terrifying and exciting, I am nervous about how I appear to others and always unsure of how to introduce myself: “Hi I’m Gay, Oh and I have HIV!” or do I have a massive sign above my head so that people can see? Worse still will I suddenly blurt any of these things out at a singularly inopportune moment? I am still unsure of the protocol, after all, my new workmates will hardly introduce themselves with name, sexual orientation and any illnesses. Having got past this, will I feel sick, tired or suffer my normal anti-social cramps and diahorrea?

Gaining a perspective about HIV, my emotions and my lack of confidence has been difficult since I was diagnosed with HIV just over 3 years ago, The morning I received my diagnosis I went straight to work after, I don’t think I even listened to what they said after they told me, For nearly a year after my diagnosis I was unable to mention it and would not allow other to talk to me about it. Even visiting the Clinic and picking up my prescriptions were very stressful, I felt unable to talk to anyone about it, Parents, Partner, Consultant, GP or Nurse Specialist. If anyone asked my answer would always be that I was fine.

I was however not fine. The drugs were making me sick, I was exhausted working full time in a stressful environment, sometimes working 18 hours a day. After 2 years I had to admit to myself that it was time to change jobs and look for a more suitable way of life. Having left my job I felt like I would never work again, I was exhausted and couldn’t believe how I had pushed myself or how hard it had been. As time passed I began to feel much better but felt cut off, I hadn’t realised how much I enjoyed meeting and talking to people at work, I had let the HIV change my life dramatically and began to obsess about how much it affected me, economically, socially and others around me, I had gone from ignoring it to making it my focal point . I felt unable to approach a single task without wondering if it would be different if I didn’t have HIV or how it would affect the rest of my life.

I had been in contact with Eddystone for a couple of months, as they were helping me face the challenges of a new job, re-training and dealing with HIV law aspects, when Joanna offered me the chance to join the Positive Self Management Programme. I initially said yes without a thought to what it would involve, but on the day before I realised that I would be meeting other people with HIV and would have to talk about it. I travelled to the first meeting sick with nerves, and felt dry mouthed and light headed when introduced to the other members of the course. Thankfully after half an hour everyone’s honesty and trust had put me at ease and for the first time I felt able to address issues and thoughts that I’d either Ignored or obsessed over.

The PSMP course covered everything from medication side effects, diet, dealing with your Health Care team to employment and the law, using techniques such as relaxation, problem solving and group discussions. It was great to get others advice, opinions and support on some of the most taxing problems related with HIV. Most Importantly of all it taught me the need to balance the way I felt about my HIV and the way that affected my life . I can’t deny that HIV is a major factor in my life, but it is only a small part of who I am and what I can do. Finding the right time and making the decision over whether to tell people I’m Gay, have HIV or that I’m addicted to reruns of friends is never easy and although finding the perfect balance is always difficult in any area of life , I have realised everyone has their own problems from an ingrown toenail to the latest results of dancing on ice. I look forward to the challenges of a new experience, meeting new people, and just hope that above all I don’t trip over my own feet in front of everyone tomorrow.