Let's Get Talking!

This is how it is

I am a 52 year women from Zimbabwe seeking asylum here in the UK. When I first found out that I was HIV positive I cried for a long time. I came to the UK after my family were targeted by government soldiers and my husband was killed. I was badly beaten and raped but I survived and managed to escape but had to leave my children behind. With all of these terrible things happening in my life I could not understand it when I was told in the hospital that I was positive. I could not believe that this was happening to me. I was taken to hospital after having bad headaches and lots of tests where done but everything came up fine until the HIV. I cried and cried.

In Zimbabwe HIV means death. If you have it you do not tell anyone otherwise your whole community will know and they will cross the street and whisper. Everyone will be busy talking they will say “look there she is she is finished she will die soon”. You try to hide for as long as possible but soon everyone will know if you go out side because it shows in the way that you look.

I told no-one here for some time, accept for my daughter. I was living with my only daughter whom I have here in this country as she came 2 years before me and I did tell her. She was educated about HIV and she said “mum stop crying you won’t die it’s not the same in this country you can have medicine that will keep you well”. It was good to tell her and after I felt better. Before I kept asking God Why me? But now I can think I was raped that is why me. I have now accepted that this is how it is and I want to stay happy. I pray every day and thank god that I am alive.

I still don’t want to talk about HIV with anyone and neither does anyone else that I know from my culture or country. If I tell someone who is not positive it will be like Zimbabwe and that information will go from person to person and one person may say ahh it doesn’t matter but another may cross the street and whisper and then they will all cross the street. Nobody knows if the person stood next to them has HIV and you don’t ask. I sometimes meet people at the hospital when I go to the clinic so they must have HIV and they must know that I have HIV but it’s not said. So we cannot support each other. I don’t want to tell people from this country because of the stigma of HIV and because I am an asylum seeker. There is more stigma because of my immigration status and my life can not move forward. I have to rely on people for my housing and I cannot work . This means that I have to keep busy because if I am not my mind fills and I am busy thinking thinking thinking about my life my children and my HIV. This gives me very bad headache and I become unwell and just want to sleep so I must keep busy.

It is different if I meet someone in Eddystone where I have support as we are here for the same reason. There is a small group of us who have been meeting every week. This is fantastic as I know that I am safe and that I am not alone and we can talk about HIV or anything else. This is what keeps me strong and happy. To be open some of the time is very good for the mind and the body and my faith in god will see me through.